anxiety and dispassion
in my last entry, i talked briefly about notion of 'dispassion' in eastern christian spirituality. recently, i have been struggling with some fairly serious anxiety, ranging from a mild stress to a gripping, panic-like kind of worry. in trying to get a handle on what i've been feeling, the notion of dispassion has become very appealing to me.
the prospect of being free (note the enslavement connotations) from this anxiety has seemed like a heaven to me, especially when the anxiety has been very strong. i find myself longing for peace. and the idea of peace seems to me to be quite close to 'dispassion'. the anxiety sends my thoughts to and fro, racing from one idea to the next. this can be exhausting. and from the perspective of such exhaustion, the state of 'dispassion' does not sound like boredom or apathy, but sweet rest.
in the extreme case, my anxious thoughts have raced so quickly that they seem to be barely "thoughts" at all: there is just a rapid succession of impressions, images, half-formed notions or wishes. in thinking about such anxiety taken to its limit, i find myself wanting to say -if it is not too dramatic- that my self, my "I", is somehow lost. there is a kind of breakdown in my normal dispositions, perceptions, feelings. my usual way of encountering and responding to things gets dissipated or washed out. and at least in that sense, the "I" that is in the grip of serious anxiety seems not to be "me" at all -it is not the me of my best thoughts, my deepest enjoyments.
but of course, it is also the case that I am the one who is feeling anxious. and, more strangely, I seem also to be the ground, or cause of the anxiety. that is, the anxiety isn't really coming to me 'from the outside', though it can almost seem like that. rather, the anxiety arises up from within me, in a way that makes it possible to disown it as something merely 'alien' to me. i am, as augustine, says a problem for myself. there is something puzzling about this: i am miserable when i feel anxious, but isn't it myself who is making me anxious? why, then, am i making myself miserable? and how can i want not to be anxious, but also be the one who keeps me anxious?
in the context of such anxiety, dispassion can be seen as coming back to oneself, of finding oneself again. it is not that in dispassion one is solipsistic or withdrawn in such a way that one is cut off from the world. rather, the self is drawn into itself in such a way that allows precisely for it to attend to things outside itself, and to attend to them in a loving way. such attentive love is precluded by anxiety, which throws the mind this way and that.
having said all this, i am not sure how exactly to go about shaking off the anxiety. maybe the point is that i cannot do anything.
from the noon devotion in the book of common prayer:
"O God, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are fixed on you; for in returning and rest we shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be our strength."
(isaiah 26:3; 30:15)
the prospect of being free (note the enslavement connotations) from this anxiety has seemed like a heaven to me, especially when the anxiety has been very strong. i find myself longing for peace. and the idea of peace seems to me to be quite close to 'dispassion'. the anxiety sends my thoughts to and fro, racing from one idea to the next. this can be exhausting. and from the perspective of such exhaustion, the state of 'dispassion' does not sound like boredom or apathy, but sweet rest.
in the extreme case, my anxious thoughts have raced so quickly that they seem to be barely "thoughts" at all: there is just a rapid succession of impressions, images, half-formed notions or wishes. in thinking about such anxiety taken to its limit, i find myself wanting to say -if it is not too dramatic- that my self, my "I", is somehow lost. there is a kind of breakdown in my normal dispositions, perceptions, feelings. my usual way of encountering and responding to things gets dissipated or washed out. and at least in that sense, the "I" that is in the grip of serious anxiety seems not to be "me" at all -it is not the me of my best thoughts, my deepest enjoyments.
but of course, it is also the case that I am the one who is feeling anxious. and, more strangely, I seem also to be the ground, or cause of the anxiety. that is, the anxiety isn't really coming to me 'from the outside', though it can almost seem like that. rather, the anxiety arises up from within me, in a way that makes it possible to disown it as something merely 'alien' to me. i am, as augustine, says a problem for myself. there is something puzzling about this: i am miserable when i feel anxious, but isn't it myself who is making me anxious? why, then, am i making myself miserable? and how can i want not to be anxious, but also be the one who keeps me anxious?
in the context of such anxiety, dispassion can be seen as coming back to oneself, of finding oneself again. it is not that in dispassion one is solipsistic or withdrawn in such a way that one is cut off from the world. rather, the self is drawn into itself in such a way that allows precisely for it to attend to things outside itself, and to attend to them in a loving way. such attentive love is precluded by anxiety, which throws the mind this way and that.
having said all this, i am not sure how exactly to go about shaking off the anxiety. maybe the point is that i cannot do anything.
from the noon devotion in the book of common prayer:
"O God, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are fixed on you; for in returning and rest we shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be our strength."
(isaiah 26:3; 30:15)
posted by micah at 11:21 AM
1 Comments:
dear friend, i'm so sorry to hear about what an anxious time this is for you. one thing that is so tough about anxiety, which seems echoed in your statements about having thoughts/images/words flashing by, is that anxiety produces more anxiety. like, first you're just worried about a specific thing. then you're worried about why you're worried about that, and whether it's for good reasons or bad reasons. then it's anxiety that the anxiety will just keep increasing and never end. anyway, maybe that's not how it is for you--but it is such a thing that builds on itself, in my experience. once the anxious glasses get put on, everything is seen through them.
anyway, here's hoping something happens soon (probably some intervention from that Powerful and Loving One above...) to stop the cycle. i hope we can talk soon.
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